Anyone who has experienced sorrow in their life knows that it comes in many forms and shows up whenever it wants- no warnings- just crashes down on you; it sweeps your feet from under you and you struggle to keep yourself grounded and together, but to no avail the sorrow wins.
Today it hit me while I was driving into town to get groceries. I wasn’t expecting it. My sorrow hit me when I heard these words on a worship song.
“I will breathe in, breathe out your presence
I will sing the praise that’s on my lips
I will breathe in, breathe out your goodness
I will sing the wondrous name of Jesus.”
To me I think each time of sorrow in my life always has a theme. When my dad died my sorrow’s theme was “Anger.” Anger towards everyone and everything. The problem with that kind of sorrow is that it is unrelenting and poisonous. It not only hurts you; it hurts the ones you love most- the ones you least want to hurt. It slowly grows into every crevice of your heart and chokes you out; until -if you are brave enough to face it- you decide to put a stop to it. Sadly a lot of people don’t make the choice to face there poisonous anger and it swallows them whole. I praise the Lord that he broke me free of that unrelenting anger and I no longer am choked out by that sorrows poisonous hold.
When my brother died I decided I wasn’t going to go down that angry path again. I know grief has it’s stages, anger being one of them. But I hope and pray that God gives me the discernment to keep a good eye out for that one and that He will help me not let it take root.
The theme of my sorrow this time is ‘sweet sorrow’ I’m pretty sure I stole that phrase from a recent Bible study, but it fits my sorrow well. The Bible always teaches that in “All things give thanks to the Lord.” This time- no matter how I feel- I will and am giving thanks to God. I’m finding that when I take the focus off myself, my loss, and feeling sorry for myself and focus my eyes on God. Great things start to happen. I find a sweet sorrow start to take form.
I feel God’s goodness washing over me; and his love embracing me. When I heard that song- I just lost it- cuz in my sorrow I truly am breathing in His presence and goodness and it’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. I am thanking God for the years I had with my brother and trying to take in and hold onto the memories I have of him. Thanking God for the people He has blessed me with and who are still in my life. But most of all I am thankful that in the deepest parts of my heart I know that Wally is in heaven; he is so happy and so whole and best of all he is hurt free!!
I think a lot of people are angry at my brother for the way he left us. Old “me” would have been too. But I believe Wally had an undiagnosed disorder, he had a lot of health issues, and I still think he had some sort of auto immune disorder and depression. I kept telling him he needed to get some tests done etc. and change his eating and exercise more, and he would always say “yeah I know I probably should…” but he didn’t. Once he told me that he did drugs cuz it was the only way he felt “normal” he had energy, could focus on things easier and didn’t feel “sick.” I can relate in a way- with having fibromylagia- I would love to feel “normal.” So I could see where he was coming from, but of course, I always tried to steer him the other way.
A few days after Wally died I was taking a shower and while I was crying and praying to God, he gave me a vision. It was so clear; it was like I was right there in that moment. I saw it was a gray outside like it had been raining. Wally was lying on the ground in the woods- lifeless, cold, sick. I saw Jesus (Wally’s Shepherd) coming up from behind him; He picked up Wally and put him over His shoulder’s- like a shepherd would do with his lost sheep. And He carried him off into the light.
You see how can one be angry when he is with the Great Shepherd! That is my Sweet Sorrow. I miss him dearly, but oh am I glad he is with his Shepherd and Creator! He isn’t battling addiction and sickness. He is free!!
When I think of the way Wally left us- I feel more hurt than angry. Hurt for him. Hurt that he was hurting that bad, sad I couldn’t hold him and comfort him. But in my Sweet Sorrow I am so happy that he had Jesus there to pick him up and carry him home. Even if I was there to comfort him I know that I could never have given him the comfort he is experiencing now from Jesus his Shepherd.
Today is my sweet brother’s birthday, he would have been 23. Today I’m sure he is having the best party anyone could ever have. He is celebrating with the one who created him. In my Sweet Sorrow. I hang onto that. CELEBRATING WITH THE ONE WHO CREATED HIM.
I’m sure Wally is breathing in and breathing out his presence on this day filled with sweet sorrow.